beauty is pain

fighting isn't easy
but, you would think "getting better" was.
what about fighting to get better? how's that?

i've been too silent
too in my head
pushing through the next few months
meeting goals
thinking through numbing out
and fearing the results

i have not written because
i'll be honest
it's hard to put it to words
other than
i'm exhausted

anyone who has been here knows.
i am completely, utterly, unconditionally
spent.
not physically.
not emotionally.
but wholly.
it takes every moment
every ounce of energy
it takes everything
every piece of your life.

every piece of your life that was once
swallowed by depravity
the same
depravity that hungers after your healing
as every moment of
"normalness", happiness, and joy tries to sneak into your heart
and body

surrender one piece to depravity again.
just a little bite, a little snack.
it is like sinking sand.

it had been a normal morning.
normal is sometimes all i can ask for through this.
nothing had been restricted,
no excuses had been made.
i was calm, collected, strong and bouncy.

i glided out on my lunch break at work and
i heard the voice. dangerously familiar.
you're not hungry, you don't want lunch.
you'd be silly to eat your lunch you packed because you're not hungry
why don't you save it for later?
maybe you'll be hungry in two hours.

it was one of those moments.
i almost slipped
i almost fell for it's tricks
i almost thought i didn't have the strength to fight it.

depravity stealing me…

i sat down on a sunny bench
folded my legs, closed my eyes and hugged my knees
weighing to consequences of my choice
and a sweet squeaky voice appeared in front of my closed eyes:

"oooooOOOOOooooo Look Momma! She's so beauuuuuuutiful!"

i shot my eyes open and saw a little
black girl bouncing from head to toe being dragged by
her mother down the sidewalk.
the mother glanced back at me and flashed a smile
at me and then at her daughter.

oh if she only knew.

funny how life just works like that.
i pulled out my lunchbox
and thanked the angel.
beauty is pain, sweet girl… oh, if you only knew.
but i pray you never know that pain.

to sandwiches and soul sisters.

to brokenness and beauty.

to taking chances and accepting discipline.

to your strength within.

until next time,

C

surfacing stains

decide.

decide with me,

C

dear morning, i don't know where to begin.

what happens when you take the time to address the day,

address yourself and your immediate emotions and intentions,

before beginning anything else.

minus brewing coffee.

today, I have begun an experiment of letters.

a new form of discovery and seeking

peace connection and clarity.

we will see what happens.

a little insight to what is on, in or around my mind

when I first begin the day.

the thoughts are as foreign to me

and they may be to you.

but this is an experiment.

and so be it...

if this is "alive", how much more extravagant is truly living?

kitty fur.

if there is one thing that can make you feel better
when you feel like
your skin is crawling
your mind is racing
your heart is pounding
your hands can't remain still
and your stomach is screaming.
it's fur. sweet, precious kitty fur.

because unlike feelings and emotions.
kitty fur, never changes
and it never stops feeling
warm, soft, nurturing, cuddly.
it's always the same
and the heart under the fur always loves you
always, always, always.
no fights, no hurt feelings,
no distance, no pressure.
that fur just downright loves you dammit.
and you know…
sometimes we all just need unexplainable & ever-present love,
no matter how independent or satisfied we claim to be.

so this was the face that brightened my day.

my sweet fur:

okay, so my love is hundreds of miles away.

but i'll take what I can get,

even just a photo text (dictated by Dad)

to say happy monday

I miss my kitty fur.

Is it weird to say their presence just makes

the painful recovery days a bit more tolerable?

Not at all… Because I know you all know exactly what I mean.

and thats all I have to say about that,

C