beauty is pain

fighting isn't easy
but, you would think "getting better" was.
what about fighting to get better? how's that?

i've been too silent
too in my head
pushing through the next few months
meeting goals
thinking through numbing out
and fearing the results

i have not written because
i'll be honest
it's hard to put it to words
other than
i'm exhausted

anyone who has been here knows.
i am completely, utterly, unconditionally
spent.
not physically.
not emotionally.
but wholly.
it takes every moment
every ounce of energy
it takes everything
every piece of your life.

every piece of your life that was once
swallowed by depravity
the same
depravity that hungers after your healing
as every moment of
"normalness", happiness, and joy tries to sneak into your heart
and body

surrender one piece to depravity again.
just a little bite, a little snack.
it is like sinking sand.

it had been a normal morning.
normal is sometimes all i can ask for through this.
nothing had been restricted,
no excuses had been made.
i was calm, collected, strong and bouncy.

i glided out on my lunch break at work and
i heard the voice. dangerously familiar.
you're not hungry, you don't want lunch.
you'd be silly to eat your lunch you packed because you're not hungry
why don't you save it for later?
maybe you'll be hungry in two hours.

it was one of those moments.
i almost slipped
i almost fell for it's tricks
i almost thought i didn't have the strength to fight it.

depravity stealing me…

i sat down on a sunny bench
folded my legs, closed my eyes and hugged my knees
weighing to consequences of my choice
and a sweet squeaky voice appeared in front of my closed eyes:

"oooooOOOOOooooo Look Momma! She's so beauuuuuuutiful!"

i shot my eyes open and saw a little
black girl bouncing from head to toe being dragged by
her mother down the sidewalk.
the mother glanced back at me and flashed a smile
at me and then at her daughter.

oh if she only knew.

funny how life just works like that.
i pulled out my lunchbox
and thanked the angel.
beauty is pain, sweet girl… oh, if you only knew.
but i pray you never know that pain.

to sandwiches and soul sisters.

to brokenness and beauty.

to taking chances and accepting discipline.

to your strength within.

until next time,

C

healer

those days come when you feel like 

everything you've worked for

you've forgotten

every lie and enemy you have defeated have 

found exactly where you ran for cover

every tear of joy you have shed is matched

with double the tears of frustration

every sign you thought pointed towards the end of the tunnel

ended up changing directions, just to play tricks on you

every week, month of growth 

seems to be followed by some of the hardest days to walk straight

every hope of achieving complete and total healing 

seems to break as easily as your fingernail.

it's been one of those days.

I knew it was one of those days where

my body would respond 

to nothing but music.

I went straight to the song.

The song that is my declaration,

the song that has always been my declaration,

no matter if I am healed or wounded,

nothing is impossible.

nothing is impossible.

Healer

by Michael Guglielmucci

You hold my every moment
You calm my raging seas
You walk with me through fire
And heal all my disease
.
I trust in You
I trust in You
.
I believe You’re my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You’re my Portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me
Jesus You’re all I need

.
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
Nothing is impossible for You
You hold my world in Your hands

I believe You’re my Healer
I believe You are all I need
I believe You’re my Portion
I believe You’re more than enough for me
Jesus You’re all I need

and Listen:

through these days

learn to trust,

C

(longing) to have won

this is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

the longest battle I will ever fight.

I want it to be over, to have won.

to not have days when I feel as though my organs are screaming at me,

to not second guess myself, to not second guess anything,

to not have have days of doubt

to not have moments when you question, "Can you really do this?"

Yesterday, I was seriously questioning whether I could 

do this on my own… whether I was really recovering

or just pretending, just thinking I was.

Have the challenges been enough, 


will they ever be enough for rescue?

Filled with doubt, conviction and frustration,

I began typing. And walked away.

~ ~ ~

Beginning again,

a new day. I sit down and realize,

yes. those doubts were real.

yes. you made some mistakes.

yes. you were struggling yesterday.

yes. maybe this week wasn't the best for growth.

yes. maybe you have some strong realizations.

yes. you were probably over thinking some things.

yes. you should have gained control over the negative thoughts before they became too strong.

yes. you had a weak moment, hour…. day.

maybe even week.

yes. this is a battle, a silent yet deafening battle.

but yes, guess what?

you have the ability to acknowledge all of this.

If you didn't have these doubts, realizations, epiphanies,

guilty moments, uncertain days,

hours of longing to just be… normal,

you would not be moving forward.

Acknowledging that you took a few steps back,

is better than plunging forward into numbness.

This isn't going to happen in a week, C.

This is reversing years of work, this is relearning 

how to live.

Let the longing spread like wildfire

to fuel the flame of a better week,

the light of hope,

the beacon of healing.

Do not let 

guilt govern your days,

or bad memories rule over your nights.

Go forth with the longing of victory.

Go forth with certainty to succeed.

Go forth and say, "This is a new week and I can choose to do better."

Go forth and bask in the victory of what you have already won.

Go forth and claim more light offered to you in the day.

Go forth and forget the doubt of yesterday.

Yes, you are longing,

aching, yearning, pining, hungering

to win the fight.

Yes. where there is a will,

there is a way.

there is a way.

there is a way.

I want it to be over, to have won.

go forth.

longing and able,

C