they slap their friend…
say they are sorry
and move on.
we lose that ability with age.
with life.
forgiving myself is the last big mountain I have to climb
lately I have realized that it may be the largest of all.
sure, the physical weight was a battle enough.
ha, I thought that was all.
so naive.
but, what about finding out who you are again?
starting from the very beginning
while still able to look back
on a young woman and late-teen you don't know anymore,
shaking with anxiety and dwindling away from life's threshold
on an early teen who was strapped to a
ballet barre yet the first to jump at cheesecake without even a wink,
on a child that refused to wear shoes in the summer
and dressed up her cat in babydoll clothes.
all women dear to your heart,
but yet so strange and so distant.
almost like a childhood friend you hope to
meet again later on down the road.
how do you forgive yourself for stealing away years from your own life,
the only life you have?
robbing your body
confusing your mind
starving your spirit
and just...giving up all hope.
I honestly thought this was it.
I was trapped forever.
Now, looking back on the trap,
I become sick on my stomach wondering what could
have been if it had never happened
if I never knew how to restrict
if I never allowed anxiety to control me
if I never feared help
if I ever… opened my eyes.
oh, forgiving myself may be the tallest mountain there is.
every new situation that is uncomfortable, there lies a "what if…"
every question of my future, there lies a "what if…"
every comment on my weight, there lies a "what if…"
every day of feeling lonely, there lies a "what if…"
… but what if this was all meant to be?
I ask myself that in writing,
because I will be honest,
I don't yet believe it in my heart.
I still see a mistake.
I still see stolen years, relationships, giggles,
memories, hobbies, life, heart.
But maybe after I'm over the mountain
I will meet the childhood friend I hoped to cross paths with again.
Maybe I will believe this was all meant to be.
Maybe I will forgive.
at the foot of the tallest mountain,
C
