breaking through

This blog has been sitting here, designed and ready for about three weeks.
It was just on Monday evening that I decided, it was time to write, it was time to pour out my own heart... it seemed like the best thing I could do for myself.

You see, I just moved to a new city... and started completely new. I basically left everything and every one I knew and started completely over. There were of course doubts and hesitations about beginning my "new journey" when I was so young in my "recovery journey"... but something deep in my gut told me this was the leap I needed to take. Sure, I dealt with the anger of "why didn't God allow me to recover sooner, so that I could be much stronger" but in the end, I see that He gave me countless opportunities to turn around, and I only pressed in harder. Therefore, I went deeper and waited longer... and now I am paying for it.

That being said, I've come to the conclusion that this isn't paying for anything... this is my reward for taking the initial steps. This is joy. Now, in this very moment, it doesn't matter when it started, how many signs I missed, how many doctors I had to see, how many friends I lost... what matters is: I'm headed in the right direction... and for that, I am choosing to rejoice.

Because of the recent move, I find myself oftentimes feeling alone in my recovery and that is where I have been comforted in reading other recovery blogger's thoughts, inspirations and struggles. Not having my parents to confide in, finding a connection with a new therapy "team", worrying about meeting new people and not dealing with the self conscious thoughts of, "what are they thinking? oh gosh, do they know? are they looking at me weird?" ... it all can be a bit overwhelming, even to a normal, heathy twenty-year-old! So, I decided the best way to not feel alone is to write, like so many other wonderful bloggers

One day I got extremely discouraged when I realized just how much ground I had to cover in order to restore... well, everything. I got so angry with myself I couldn't even see past the guilt. I was mad for putting my body through this, I was frustrated with the amount of time I had left before I move, I was furious that I hadn't listened sooner... and I felt completely defeated. I felt like a kindergartener going to school for the first time and meeting friends. Learning how to do things on her own without the ED... being responsible enough to take nap when I'm tired... listening to the teacher (therapist and nutritionist) because they know whats best for you... discovering what it is you are good at in school... wondering if you will be a pilot, a firefighter, a ballerina, or a vet... I was truly starting at the beginning.


My mom looked at me and said, "You know, being at rock bottom is a wonderful place to be... because you know without a doubt, it can ONLY go up from here."

and it has.
There are of course days when I feel like throwing in the towel, when I don't feel like making new friends because they will think I'm awkward, when I'm tired of having to think about "me, me, me!", when I'm sick of going to all of the appointments, when I am really just wanting to make sense of things through restricting like I know how to... but, I just keep telling myself.

It's only up from here.
As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
That's all it takes, you don't have to run.
Just walk, just step.

On Tuesday morning when I shared the birth of this blog with my mom,

she sent me this photo because it reminded her of gray skies breaking away to blue.

That is happening everyday, as I peel back one small layer at a time.

And take the time to rejoice over ever single breakthrough,

you earned it.

you did the work.

you broke away.

On that same morning I got an email from my first therapist that I had to leave behind during the move, sniffsniff, with a note that resonated with me:

"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp. He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence. "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." 

No matter if it is a day when the grey clouds are growing ugly,
or the bright blue is beginning to bleed through,
know that you are protected 
and you are at a wonderful place... at the beginning, breaking through.

be still,

C

farewell letter from a fighter

Dear Disorder,

I don't write hate mail, I never have.

And I'm not going to write you hate mail either,

because even though you are the worst friend I could ever have,

you are turning a very broken journey into 

a new beginning of healing, help and hope.

I'm learning more about myself,

the self I am now,

the self I will be,

and the self I was... the young woman I always imagined I'd be at 20 years old. 

I'm finding who that young girl was and
creating the woman on the other side of trial.

The soon-to-be woman tearing away all of the lies you clothed me in for far too long,

The lies that poisoned my heart, my mind, my faith and my body.

You told me you would never leave me alone,

but you told me I couldn't enjoy time with anyone else.

You told me I could lie,

you told me I wouldn't pay.

You made me believe everyone judged me,

a self-conscious and guarded little girl.

You robbed me of my life 

and you took away my laugh... and I loved my laugh.

You told me if I stayed by your side,

I could numb myself to all pain... what pain?

You forced me to be perfect,
nothing else mattered, don't be a failure.

You told me to count,
like my life depended on it,
funny.... it did.

You said no one could rescue me,

so I stopped believing I had a Rescuer.

You told me I could never love again,
how can you love if you can't feel?

You made my bones define my character

and my veins mask my forgotten face.

You told me I had no friends,

and I had lost all the ones I once had.

You told me I'd never be remembered,
you told me I never could help, you made me selfish.

You said I couldn't look people in the eye,

"you're too weak to figure out what to say"

You told me I had to ride, run, DO! SOMETHING!

and you ran me into the ground, literally

You made me scared,

and fear the end.

You made my skin dry

and my eyes sink with emptiness.

You fed me lies,

and I was still empty.

You told me I was never getting out,

you told me I was nothing without you.

You told me that a racing heart was nothing to raise concern,

you made me dizzy and confused.

You told me I couldn't be strong.

But I WANT to be a strong woman.

"No you don't, you won't. You can't, " you'd say, "You're mine."

You made me exhausted and lifeless,

an existing body... and no more.

I'm here to prove I exist. Now.


You told me I'd never have a family or be healthy,
never have a future apart from you.

You took away my ability to dream,

what does that feel like anyway?

You took away my tears,

I used to love a good cry. 

You told me I would never be able to 

concentrate long enough to read a book again,

much less read scripture.

You convinced me I couldn't go to that party,

"there's cookies there"

You told me I didn't have my own name,
you were my identity. It was better not to have a name.

You told me I was never going to find someone,

anyone... "who would love this odd-rail woman?"

You told me I could not sit still and watch a movie,

I had to be up doing something, anything...

You told me that extra handful of granola was out of the question,

and that sample tray? "Don't even think about it"

You made me run, run, run away from all else

but you came with me... and wouldn't leave.

You thought you could have my heart,

and I thought sometimes you would take it.

You thought you could claim my life,

but I am taking back my breath.

It's mine.

This body is mine, the only one I've been given.

The best one I've been given...

to dance, to create, to sing, to write, to live, to serve, to giggle, to truly live.

and to fight.

I'm fighting because I'm still here,

I'm fighting because I've been given a second chance, apart from you.

I'm starting from square one, I've been given a clean slate.

It's scary as hell, picking up those pieces...

or finding that the ones that I dropped, are now completely lost.

That's when I'll pick up new ones.

That's when I'll turn to the Creator of this body and ask,

"Okay... I'm ready. What now?"

It's okay to not know,

It's okay to have no idea what tomorrow will bring,

will it be a battle, or will it be freedom?

I don't know, but I know the battle has begun 

and I will not stop fighting until it is won.
I've got nothing left to lose.

And I will commit my journey to the Lord,

and commit my heart to those who are in the battle.

And tell them they have the armor within them to fight,

it's always been there... we just have believed the lies,
your dreadful lies.

And to these lies (and you, Disorder) I bid farewell.

I'm not great at goodbyes and neither are you.

You're going to try to befriend me again,

and it will be tempting, because I'm looking for new friends now.

But your not really my type... I don't like selfish people.

You are selfish, you are scheming and lying.

I'm saying goodbye, I'm putting on my armor.

I'm fighting because I'm still here,

I'm fighting because I've been given a second chance, apart from you.

Sealed with truth,

C

the girl who is now finding her new name, her true name.
there is hope.