this is me.

September 20, 2011

Bonjour.

I'm not French,

but I wish I was...

that's one thing I still do know.

Among all identity that I sacrificed held captive to anorexia, 

I know this for a fact, I am recovering.

I will not go into detail about my "whole story," it is of the past and I am pressing further and further into the future. Don't get me wrong, there is a time for explaining "your story"... a large portion of therapy is spent sifting through the thoughts, fears, anxieties, disorders and habits that led to this day. But, I will save that for therapy. This is a different story, another way to let go, cry, confess, inspire, weep, fly and breakthrough. One step at a time.

These stories and thoughts are my journey through recovery. It is my prayer and hope that my words may provide wisdom and encouragement for those on the same path, on the brink of starting the journey, or struggling to walk. I have been reading the beautiful words of many women for the past couple of months as I have begun on the terrifying, yet gratifying road to healing. Their words have spoken to me, resonated with me, befriended me, enlightened me, broken me, fulfilled me, and saved me... and now, it is time to pour my own heart out.

For such a time is this.

While most experiences reading blogs made me feel comforted and in good company, there were several that terrified me, triggered me or left me feeling more unhealthy than before. For this reason I promise to never provide numbers, body length photos, nutrition plans, measurements or numerical "goals"... we are all different, our journeys are our own: unique, ordained and crafted to each of our strengths and weaknesses. My dear counselor once told me, "Your normal... is no one else's normal. Your normal is different right now and it always will be." Now, I do not base myself off of anyone else's normal. Therefore, I ask that you take from these words what encourages you, what works for you... and leave behind what does not sound helpful. In no way do I wish to cause any pain or harm through my words, please let me know if I ever do.

Lastly, I believe this is a personal struggle. One that society in general could never, ever understand without personal experience...as you certainly know. I am not "open" to everyone with my anxiety and eating disorder. I don't feel like its a journey you have to share with everyone. However, I have gained so much support and wisdom from this particular "blogging" community, I have a hunch my story could be useful to others walking down a similar road. 

With that being said, I will not provide all of my contact information up front. Despite that, if you would like to talk more I would be happy to correspond via email (or if you live in the Manhattan area!!!), just leave your email in a comment and I would be delighted to share my background story or if you have any particular questions... I love to chat and the answer to "coffee?" is ALWAYS "yes!"

I wish you all peace, I wish you all joy, and I wish you all hope.

 for if you only be still ,
there is hope,

C