this is permanent

I remember the Thursday in June.
I hadn't had what you would call "the revelation" yet,
but I would say it was a moment of light.

I just just gotten out my of third therapy session,
I guess I had thought that therapy would be like a magical pill,
you take it, go and listen, nod your head on the couch,
and Voila! all your worries are gone and you're better... you "can see clearly now, the rain is gone." Ta-Da!
Ouch, negative.


At the time I was still in the denial phase,
I thought I was going to counseling for severe "anxiety" and OCD,
surely there was no talk of an eating disorder.
I remember getting into my car after my session.
All of the pieces were in front of me,
I had the therapist (who was hilarious and wonderful!)
I had the nutritionist (who was challenging and wise)
I had the parents to help pay for counseling
I had a safe place to sleep and hide
I had a church to go to on Sunday
I had a job that I loved to wake up to
I had three precious children (okay... cats)
I had support all around me.
But deep inside, I was still squirming in my skin,
crying out for an answer,
begging for someone to take this away,
asking my body to let go,
pleading with my mind to slow down...

and still, things just were not clicking.

I didn't understand.

I flipped on the radio turning out of the parking lot

and the introductory chords of a song began to play

(when nothing else can get through to me, music has that power)

Be still, 

there is a healer

His love is deeper than the sea

His mercy, it is unfailing

His arms are a fortress for the weak

Let faith arise

Let faith arise

I lift my hands to believe again,

You are my refuge, You are my strength 

As I pour out my heart these things I remember

You are faithful God forever

-Chris Tomlin

I immediately stopped the car,

tears began to stream down my face,

I lifted my hands for no reason, other than I had nothing left to lose.

I sat there weeping

and a voice came washing over me...

"...it's all going to be okay."

I don't know how I knew.

I knew it wouldn't be tomorrow 

and it wouldn't be next month,

but I knew... in the end, it was going to be okay.

And that is all that mattered.
For the first time, I saw a way out.

Something I had wholeheartedly stopped believing existed.

I had lost all hope.

I thought I was never getting out,

I thought I was never going to be me again.

I convinced myself I would always be confused,

and I would never be able to calm my mind 

and just... be who I was created to be.

to be still.

All of my life, I have struggled with that command

in Psalm 46, "Be still and know that I am God."

Constantly rushing, anxious, studying,

moving, dancing, running, planning...

it has been a part of my nature since birth.

In fact, I probably began planning college in Kindergarten.

A couple of weeks after I saw this light and heard this voice,

there was a night that changed my life.

It was as though the Heavens opened for a brief moment

and I stopped lying to myself,

I had a problem and I was ready to face it, to conquer it.

The sky opened for only a brief moment and closed right back up,

I knew I was going to have to do a lot of work

to slowly peel back to layers of clouds that had concealed my life.

But it was the beginning, and I saw what was beneath the layers,
who I remember being.

I wanted a symbol, an agreement, a contract

to remind myself of the commitment I had made to heal.

I didn't want it just a pen on paper.

I wanted it permanent.

Psalm 46

And thus, the name of this journal.

In the end it will all read,

Be still and know,

there is hope

I am finishing it in shifts as I move further along the road.

So that I (and now all of you)

can simply look down and be reminded to just

~:~

be still

when troubles seem to swallow your courage

and you lose your breath.

and know

it is going to be okay.

the light will shine upon you 

and within you once more because

there is hope 

~:~