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recreational, creative, personal, non-ED, sociological, story-telling blog

for all of you that may want to add a little more following in your life :)

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continuing rising,

C

body

"The body does not belong to us. While it lasts, we must use it as a trust handed over to our charge. Treating in this way, the things of the flesh, we may one day expect to become free from the burden of the body. Realizing the limitation of the flesh, we must strive day by day towards the ideal with what strength we have in us."   - Satygraha, Gandhi

Dear C,

Are you treating your body, today,

 as though it is a token of honor entrusted to you?

One day… it will be no more.

Now…

what really matters?

strength,

C

this girl

is on fire.

a power ballad has never sounded so strong since Aretha herself.

no commentary needed. i'm feeling a little on fire these days.



one day at a time,
burning away the ED from my
body, mind and spirit

with fire in my eyes.

not.

backing.

down.

let it burn,

C

standing on bittersweet

I read this passage while finishing up a marvelous book, The Book of Bright Ideas, by Sandra Kring. Lately I've been feeling a knot coming up in my stomach slowly releasing an anxious murmur as it rises to the surface...

"Who will you be without me? Do you really want to let me go? Will you be able to control anything? Will you run in the other direction and make me a puffy stomach? Will you spin out of control and wind up the same way… confused and not knowing which step to take next, because you are so wildly out of control? Do you really want to say goodbye to me as a friend… when you are not sure you have someone else better to spend the day with? Do you really want to do this to yourself? Are you ready to live with the consequences of letting me wither away and wash thorough your system just like that breakfast you just enjoyed? I made you think didn't I? …. you didn't think about what it would be like to lose me as a companion. Bad companion or not… when I leave, I will still leave a void. Some kind of void. Actually, a pretty damn big one. Who will console you when you are sad, worried or having a pretty shitty day? Are you ready for the empty hole I will leave when you let me go? Oh… and you were so anxious to bid be farewell. A little bittersweet, eh? A little more bittersweet than you were prepared for… "

~ ~ ~

From The Book of Bright Ideas by Sandra Kring: 

"…I realized that I wasn't standing at the magic tree anymore. I was standing at the place they call "bittersweet". That place that, if you could find it on a map, would be the mountain that sits between happy and sad. And I thought bout how when you stand on that mountain, you can almost feel God's hand on your head and you just know, deep down inside, that even if you don't understand everything that happened to cause those mixed feelings, you still know there was a good reason for them happening.

…then I smiled and reminded [Aunt Verdella] of what she and Winnalee had both once told me. That you have to go on believing anything's possible, or else, what's the point?"

on the mountain of bittersweet.

and believing anything is possible.

it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is...

C 

    

tallest mountain

children forgive themselves for a lot.
they slap their friend…
say they are sorry
and move on.
we lose that ability with age.
with life.

forgiving myself is the last big mountain I have to climb
lately I have realized that it may be the largest of all.

sure, the physical weight was a battle enough.
ha, I thought that was all.
so naive.
but, what about finding out who you are again?
starting from the very beginning
while still able to look back
on a young woman and late-teen you don't know anymore,
shaking with anxiety and dwindling away from life's threshold
on an early teen who was strapped to a
ballet barre yet the first to jump at cheesecake without even a wink,
on a child that refused to wear shoes in the summer
and dressed up her cat in babydoll clothes.

all women dear to your heart,
but yet so strange and so distant.
almost like a childhood friend you hope to
meet again later on down the road.

how do you forgive yourself for stealing away years from your own life,
the only life you have?
robbing your body
confusing your mind
starving your spirit
and just...giving up all hope.
I honestly thought this was it.
I was trapped forever.

Now, looking back on the trap,
I become sick on my stomach wondering what could
have been if it had never happened
if I never knew how to restrict
if I never allowed anxiety to control me
if I never feared help
if I ever… opened my eyes.

oh, forgiving myself may be the tallest mountain there is.
every new situation that is uncomfortable, there lies a "what if…"
every question of my future, there lies a "what if…"
every comment on my weight, there lies a "what if…"
every day of feeling lonely, there lies a "what if…"

… but what if this was all meant to be?

I ask myself that in writing,
because I will be honest,
I don't yet believe it in my heart.
I still see a mistake.
I still see stolen years, relationships, giggles,
memories, hobbies, life, heart.
But maybe after I'm over the mountain
I will meet the childhood friend I hoped to cross paths with again.

Maybe I will believe this was all meant to be.
Maybe I will forgive.

at the foot of the tallest mountain,

C

beauty is pain

fighting isn't easy
but, you would think "getting better" was.
what about fighting to get better? how's that?

i've been too silent
too in my head
pushing through the next few months
meeting goals
thinking through numbing out
and fearing the results

i have not written because
i'll be honest
it's hard to put it to words
other than
i'm exhausted

anyone who has been here knows.
i am completely, utterly, unconditionally
spent.
not physically.
not emotionally.
but wholly.
it takes every moment
every ounce of energy
it takes everything
every piece of your life.

every piece of your life that was once
swallowed by depravity
the same
depravity that hungers after your healing
as every moment of
"normalness", happiness, and joy tries to sneak into your heart
and body

surrender one piece to depravity again.
just a little bite, a little snack.
it is like sinking sand.

it had been a normal morning.
normal is sometimes all i can ask for through this.
nothing had been restricted,
no excuses had been made.
i was calm, collected, strong and bouncy.

i glided out on my lunch break at work and
i heard the voice. dangerously familiar.
you're not hungry, you don't want lunch.
you'd be silly to eat your lunch you packed because you're not hungry
why don't you save it for later?
maybe you'll be hungry in two hours.

it was one of those moments.
i almost slipped
i almost fell for it's tricks
i almost thought i didn't have the strength to fight it.

depravity stealing me…

i sat down on a sunny bench
folded my legs, closed my eyes and hugged my knees
weighing to consequences of my choice
and a sweet squeaky voice appeared in front of my closed eyes:

"oooooOOOOOooooo Look Momma! She's so beauuuuuuutiful!"

i shot my eyes open and saw a little
black girl bouncing from head to toe being dragged by
her mother down the sidewalk.
the mother glanced back at me and flashed a smile
at me and then at her daughter.

oh if she only knew.

funny how life just works like that.
i pulled out my lunchbox
and thanked the angel.
beauty is pain, sweet girl… oh, if you only knew.
but i pray you never know that pain.

to sandwiches and soul sisters.

to brokenness and beauty.

to taking chances and accepting discipline.

to your strength within.

until next time,

C

whole

I am more complete.
I am more alive.
I am safe.
I am home in my skin.
I am
{on my way to being,
not-too-far-from
and beginning to taste the meaning
of what it feels to be}
whole.

this I will not fear.
I will not fear being whole
I will not fear that responsibility
I will not fear that feeling, skin deep
skin surface
internal sensation.
this fullness I will accept as a gift.
a memory of the past,
a taste of the future,
a new outfit
of a value beyond Madison Avenue.
this I will not fear,
this gift I will allow myself to indulge
a birthright to being whole
someone tried to take away

I dont know her, the one who stole it

but if I did know her,
I cannot imagine the emptiness she must feel.
Because I know what it feels to be almost empty
to feel as though there is room within your body
to fill with the best treasure you can find.
an abundance of storage
for just the perfect fit
more room to fill
and less possessions to hang on to
to get attached to
but if you could only find that one treasure
once you find that one treasure
to fill all the empty space you saved
you made
you will capture it all and stuff it inside

but it will never come
one treasure is not the answer

it is all the jewels of life
yes, it's not that easy
it's difficult
but you have denied all of the small treasures
turned away from shimmering stars
and crystals of delight
to remain empty.
to remain the same.

because love is to difficult to trust

and then be broken

so you wait for the one thing that

will not hurt when you treasure it

you wait for what is to come
perfection
that will never come

this i will not fear

it's here right now
the jewels that have tried to enter
when will you open your skin

and begin to whisper

I am more complete.

I am more alive.

I am safe.

I am home in my skin.

I am

{on my way to being,

not-too-far-from

and beginning to taste the meaning

of what it feels to be}

whole.