It was just on Monday evening that I decided, it was time to write, it was time to pour out my own heart... it seemed like the best thing I could do for myself.
You see, I just moved to a new city... and started completely new. I basically left everything and every one I knew and started completely over. There were of course doubts and hesitations about beginning my "new journey" when I was so young in my "recovery journey"... but something deep in my gut told me this was the leap I needed to take. Sure, I dealt with the anger of "why didn't God allow me to recover sooner, so that I could be much stronger" but in the end, I see that He gave me countless opportunities to turn around, and I only pressed in harder. Therefore, I went deeper and waited longer... and now I am paying for it.
That being said, I've come to the conclusion that this isn't paying for anything... this is my reward for taking the initial steps. This is joy. Now, in this very moment, it doesn't matter when it started, how many signs I missed, how many doctors I had to see, how many friends I lost... what matters is: I'm headed in the right direction... and for that, I am choosing to rejoice.
Because of the recent move, I find myself oftentimes feeling alone in my recovery and that is where I have been comforted in reading other recovery blogger's thoughts, inspirations and struggles. Not having my parents to confide in, finding a connection with a new therapy "team", worrying about meeting new people and not dealing with the self conscious thoughts of, "what are they thinking? oh gosh, do they know? are they looking at me weird?" ... it all can be a bit overwhelming, even to a normal, heathy twenty-year-old! So, I decided the best way to not feel alone is to write, like so many other wonderful bloggers
One day I got extremely discouraged when I realized just how much ground I had to cover in order to restore... well, everything. I got so angry with myself I couldn't even see past the guilt. I was mad for putting my body through this, I was frustrated with the amount of time I had left before I move, I was furious that I hadn't listened sooner... and I felt completely defeated. I felt like a kindergartener going to school for the first time and meeting friends. Learning how to do things on her own without the ED... being responsible enough to take nap when I'm tired... listening to the teacher (therapist and nutritionist) because they know whats best for you... discovering what it is you are good at in school... wondering if you will be a pilot, a firefighter, a ballerina, or a vet... I was truly starting at the beginning.
My mom looked at me and said, "You know, being at rock bottom is a wonderful place to be... because you know without a doubt, it can ONLY go up from here."
and it has.
There are of course days when I feel like throwing in the towel, when I don't feel like making new friends because they will think I'm awkward, when I'm tired of having to think about "me, me, me!", when I'm sick of going to all of the appointments, when I am really just wanting to make sense of things through restricting like I know how to... but, I just keep telling myself.
It's only up from here.
As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
That's all it takes, you don't have to run.
Just walk, just step.
On Tuesday morning when I shared the birth of this blog with my mom,
she sent me this photo because it reminded her of gray skies breaking away to blue.
That is happening everyday, as I peel back one small layer at a time.
And take the time to rejoice over ever single breakthrough,
you earned it.
you did the work.
you broke away.
On that same morning I got an email from my first therapist that I had to leave behind during the move, sniffsniff, with a note that resonated with me:
"To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp. He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence. "The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you."
No matter if it is a day when the grey clouds are growing ugly,
or the bright blue is beginning to bleed through,
know that you are protected
and you are at a wonderful place... at the beginning, breaking through.
be still,
C
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