farewell letter from a fighter

Dear Disorder,

I don't write hate mail, I never have.

And I'm not going to write you hate mail either,

because even though you are the worst friend I could ever have,

you are turning a very broken journey into 

a new beginning of healing, help and hope.

I'm learning more about myself,

the self I am now,

the self I will be,

and the self I was... the young woman I always imagined I'd be at 20 years old. 

I'm finding who that young girl was and
creating the woman on the other side of trial.

The soon-to-be woman tearing away all of the lies you clothed me in for far too long,

The lies that poisoned my heart, my mind, my faith and my body.

You told me you would never leave me alone,

but you told me I couldn't enjoy time with anyone else.

You told me I could lie,

you told me I wouldn't pay.

You made me believe everyone judged me,

a self-conscious and guarded little girl.

You robbed me of my life 

and you took away my laugh... and I loved my laugh.

You told me if I stayed by your side,

I could numb myself to all pain... what pain?

You forced me to be perfect,
nothing else mattered, don't be a failure.

You told me to count,
like my life depended on it,
funny.... it did.

You said no one could rescue me,

so I stopped believing I had a Rescuer.

You told me I could never love again,
how can you love if you can't feel?

You made my bones define my character

and my veins mask my forgotten face.

You told me I had no friends,

and I had lost all the ones I once had.

You told me I'd never be remembered,
you told me I never could help, you made me selfish.

You said I couldn't look people in the eye,

"you're too weak to figure out what to say"

You told me I had to ride, run, DO! SOMETHING!

and you ran me into the ground, literally

You made me scared,

and fear the end.

You made my skin dry

and my eyes sink with emptiness.

You fed me lies,

and I was still empty.

You told me I was never getting out,

you told me I was nothing without you.

You told me that a racing heart was nothing to raise concern,

you made me dizzy and confused.

You told me I couldn't be strong.

But I WANT to be a strong woman.

"No you don't, you won't. You can't, " you'd say, "You're mine."

You made me exhausted and lifeless,

an existing body... and no more.

I'm here to prove I exist. Now.


You told me I'd never have a family or be healthy,
never have a future apart from you.

You took away my ability to dream,

what does that feel like anyway?

You took away my tears,

I used to love a good cry. 

You told me I would never be able to 

concentrate long enough to read a book again,

much less read scripture.

You convinced me I couldn't go to that party,

"there's cookies there"

You told me I didn't have my own name,
you were my identity. It was better not to have a name.

You told me I was never going to find someone,

anyone... "who would love this odd-rail woman?"

You told me I could not sit still and watch a movie,

I had to be up doing something, anything...

You told me that extra handful of granola was out of the question,

and that sample tray? "Don't even think about it"

You made me run, run, run away from all else

but you came with me... and wouldn't leave.

You thought you could have my heart,

and I thought sometimes you would take it.

You thought you could claim my life,

but I am taking back my breath.

It's mine.

This body is mine, the only one I've been given.

The best one I've been given...

to dance, to create, to sing, to write, to live, to serve, to giggle, to truly live.

and to fight.

I'm fighting because I'm still here,

I'm fighting because I've been given a second chance, apart from you.

I'm starting from square one, I've been given a clean slate.

It's scary as hell, picking up those pieces...

or finding that the ones that I dropped, are now completely lost.

That's when I'll pick up new ones.

That's when I'll turn to the Creator of this body and ask,

"Okay... I'm ready. What now?"

It's okay to not know,

It's okay to have no idea what tomorrow will bring,

will it be a battle, or will it be freedom?

I don't know, but I know the battle has begun 

and I will not stop fighting until it is won.
I've got nothing left to lose.

And I will commit my journey to the Lord,

and commit my heart to those who are in the battle.

And tell them they have the armor within them to fight,

it's always been there... we just have believed the lies,
your dreadful lies.

And to these lies (and you, Disorder) I bid farewell.

I'm not great at goodbyes and neither are you.

You're going to try to befriend me again,

and it will be tempting, because I'm looking for new friends now.

But your not really my type... I don't like selfish people.

You are selfish, you are scheming and lying.

I'm saying goodbye, I'm putting on my armor.

I'm fighting because I'm still here,

I'm fighting because I've been given a second chance, apart from you.

Sealed with truth,

C

the girl who is now finding her new name, her true name.
there is hope.