put it on cruise control

sometimes, you just have to put your body in "cruise".
Let go on the gas, let go of control, and just listen.

That's the gear I'm currently driving.

There are moments during the week when I feel unstoppable
I am powerful, fearless, relentless in the morning.
and then the afternoon rolls around...

"Oh you've eaten quite enough today. You're not really hungry for that snack are you? I mean dinner is right around the corner, you can make up for it there. I mean if you don't snack now you can have ice cream later, oh wait no... that's not good, don't do that. do it. don't do it. do it. oh wait... did you just drink that mango juice? You know that has calories so now you definitely don't need that snack later. And you had a cookie. OoOoOoOo a cookie.... I'm tellinnnnnn'. "

SHUT.

UP!

ED Voice.

SHUT UP!

It would be easier to just skip it, it would require less thought to not figure out what I was going to make for a snack, it would be a "coping mechanism" to restrict, it would be just like the old times when my anxiety was particularly high that week... but I don't want this to be old times. I want to fight this.

I want it, I want it, I want this!

I looked at my nutritionist today and asked, "When will I ever have to not think about this? Will it ever stop? Will I ever just be normal?"

I wish she had a definite answer, but that's the price you pay. It may always be a battle, it may not be... there is no telling. However, she did say, "Think of this snack as a pill... it's your medicine right now. The quicker and faster it is the less you have to think about it, you just have to do it. It's your medicine."

So, here I am in cruise control.

When my anxiety is particularly high because I'm thinking about all I have to do that day... that week, or if I'm beginning a new job, or if I'm still trying to meet new people in this ginormous town... I just have to put it in cruise control.

and take my medicine.

You just have to do it, C.

You gotta do it.

Even if you have to close your eyes to eat that cake,

close your eyes and do it.

you will be proud of yourself when you did.

you conquered that.

And one day when you're in manual,
rather than cruise control... it will be even better. Believe it.

Okay so I said to eat all that cake, 

BUT THIS ONE!

Because if I were the artist of this

masterpiece, I may have to kill anyone who eats this.

Just saying. Amazing!

eat your sushi cakes,

in cruise control,

C