or rather… I just need to buy more tools.
for the past two or so years, I've only had one
and we all know what that one tool is:
the ED all-in-one wrench.
The ED wrench could fix almost anything.
a broken heart,
a dreadful, snowy day,
loneliness,
lack of direction,
late night studying,
a mid-term exam disaster,
frustration with a body part,
a big bump in the road,
a terrible hair day,
friendship troubles,
monsoon weeks,
a longing for home,
a loss of a loved one,
an unknown turn just ahead,
a ding in my front bumper,
an "I feel gross" day,
exhaustion from late nights,
a heart crying out for something…
anything.
It helped me not feel any of it.
Numb, paralyzed, just a walking existence.
Barely existing.
The one tool in my toolbox helped for awhile,
in fact, it helped for much too long.
I mastered how to use it,
welcomed the power I felt when it was in my hand,
finished the day with it under my covers,
held it in my hand on the couch,
clung to it for dear life,
ran miles with it... carrying it like a baton
and perfected hiding it beneath my smile.
No toolbox needed at all,
it came with me everywhere
and was the cure for all life's problems, worries and fears
in one little tool…
until it transitioned into my best friend and constant companion,
even on the "good" days.
One little Mr. Fix it.
I've decided to fire Mr. Fix it.
 |
| don't let the overalls fool you. |
There isn't one tool to fix everything.
There never should be.
There never has been,
but lies have told us otherwise.
Lies have told us numbers are the only thing that make sense,
Lies have told us that its okay to not feel anything,
Lies have told us that there is no other told this powerful,
Lies have told us we are invincible,
Lies have told us, the more you use the told,
the more effective it becomes,
Lies have told us we might as well forget about being able to concentrate again,
Lies have told us this is the only way, the only cure, the only tool.
Wrong.
There are so many other ways,
so many other tools:
funny movies, disney coloring books, knitting, a cup of tea, skyping with a friend, taking a nap, listening to a healing playlist, looking through an old photo album, going for a walk, laying down and taking ten minutes to breathe, standing on your head, just going outside, painting your nails, going out to get coffee…
What if you are frustrated with the mirror?
why don't you walk away and come back in twenty minutes in a new outfit?
What if you are stressed out with studying?
why don't you take ten minutes to paint your nails, clear your head?
What if you are feeling lonely?
why don't you call a friend who lives far away?
or maybe mom, she will always answer.
What if you are discouraged with recovery?
instead of giving in, why don't you lay down for a little while
and color, read, or write a letter.
What if your are just having a downright bad day?
why don't you go out and get coffee ,
there is nothing that won't fix
(but make sure you have something with it,
because you KNOW coffee does not constitute a snack)
What if you are having a terrible hair day?
instead of beating yourself up on the inside,
why don't you do your hair in pig tails…
pig talis are always cute and pin back frizz like a charm.
What if it seems like everyone around you in dating someone?
why don't you watch youtube videos of sexy guy singers
and not feel the slightest bit guilty about it
because you are single, HELLO!
Or… watch a Madea movie and make yo'self proud of your independence.
What if you are so anxious about something you cannot stand it?
why don't you take a nap, and reset your body?
What if you have an afternoon to do absolutely nothing?
why don't you paint, or find something to spark your creativity?
What if you are challenged to go to a restaurant?
why don't you welcome the opportunity to try something new?
What if you have the busiest day of your life ahead of you?
why don't you take 5 minutes in bed before you get up
just being and breathing deeply, to set the tone for the rest of the day?
What if you fall off your bike?
why don't you take this time to rest,
and start over?
What if you are having a tough time with your recovery meal plan?
why don't you sit down an write a letter to yourself
that you will read next year, thanking yourself for
drinking the boosts and eating twelve jars of peanut butter…
because you are much healthier now,
believe it.
Why don't you fill up your toolbox,
oh heck make it overflow,
with tools that are healthy, helpful, fun,
creative, unique…
instead of allowing your old Mr. Fix it to handle it
by hammering away your emotions.
oh, and get a cute toolbox,
fire Mr. Fix it
C
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| what is in yours? |
