grilled cheese and savasana

I remember the first time that it really clicked
My best friend, mom and I (the two most important and inspiring people in my life)
went out for an end-of-summer dinner at a little cafe at the beach.
We sat and joked and laughed and all ordered the "gourmet grilled cheese"
I can't remember whats all in it... but I remember it was cheesy gourmet,
a masterpiece that was just fighting my ED in the face,

"Yeah! What now?! Whatchu gon' do about it foo?"

(Giving food a ridiculous dialogue eases the discomfort)

I have no idea what this means...
but it looked appropriate

I hadn't restricted at all that day, in fact, I remember getting into the car with my mom on the way to dinner and saying, "I did so well today... let me tell you what I had!!!"
And even though I had eaten normally all day, I wasn't going to restrict at dinner...
I was going to plow on through the day and be proud of myself.


After dinner we all came back to the house and carried on with our usual
laughing and chatting about... with L (best friend) in the room, there is never a shortage of chatter.
We were going upstairs to watch a movie or something when we ended up
somehow (I had no idea how)
deciding that, instead, we needed a moment of relaxation.
And when I say relaxation I mean... a full-on relaxation: a savasana
Within thirty seconds L and I were laying on the floor.

L: "We're taking a SHAVATS-STANA"

C: "L,there is NO T in Shavas-ana?"

L: Well how do you say it then? Yes, it is ShavaTsTana."

C: "Oh whatever, just lay on the floor!!!"

I started talking about this cool "eye pillow" that they use at my yoga studio
to rest on your forehead during Savasana... so L decided it was imperative
for us to have a legitimate savasana if we were really going to do this thing properly.
We gathered our resources... being a deck of cards, a candle, and a T.V. remote
and stacked the items on top of our "third eye" to fully surrender into the savasana.

My dad came in an saw the two of us laying down on the floor,
palms facing up,
bellies giggling,
decks of cards and T.V. remotes on our heads,
legs propped up on the sofa (for increased lower back support)
bursting with laughter
and doing everything BUT "savasana".

"What are you two doing now?"
"SHAVATS-STANA!"


And you know what happens next.
Yes, Dad got down on the floor and tojoin our "SHAVATSTANA"
Legs propped up and all, we all laid in that room just relaxin' away.
Now, we were not bursting with laughter,
we were howling...

Mom came in (who had stepped out to talk on the phone)
and was unable to verbally express her feelings towards what she saw.
The three of us, doing savasana... with household items on our foreheads,
heaving to catch our breath from laughing so dangerously much.

And then it clicked...
I was laughing
I was really, really laughing.
And I remember it.
We were hysterical.
In that moment I realized
that grilled cheese made me laugh.


Okay, so it was not "literally" that one food item, but it was weeks of feeding myself with the things my body needed, it was the ability to sleep through the night, it was the ability to let go, it was the effort I had put into recovery... it was me... letting myself be fed again. 
And fed to the fullest of joy. I remember that laugh, I probably always will.

And so now two months later...

I am in serious recovery.

not just that kind of recovery.

weekend recovery.

ha!
Goofy Miss L came to visit me on Thursday in my new home
and we had a whopin' Manhattan-Reunion-Party unlike any other.

(first we realized we must be real grown-up girls now because this was a monumental weekend to our friendship... 

being that it was the first time we had visited one another at one of our "houses"

which means...YIKES we're GETTING OLD!)

It was phenomenal to hear another voice from the past that knew me
like the back of her hand,
but also good to just have... a friend that didn't really care.
Someone what didn't remind me of anything E.D.
because she doesn't belong in that world and I'm trying to say goodbye to it forever.
With that comes some challenges, of course,
some things she just can't understand...
why everything is planned,
why I have to "think ahead" for dinner
why going out for a sundae at midnight makes me sweat
why I take so long to order...
why I have odd habits
it's a process that I am still in.


But she has been there through it all,
before, during and after, and before, during and after again...
and she always will be.
I'm exhausted from the lack of sleep,
laughter and tears shed this weekend
but it was well worth it
to be fully engaged with my best friend,
more myself than I ever have been,
to be transparent,
to be fueled,
to be loved and to give love,
to go to church and cry because I'm so grateful I'm still here, today
to remember
and to truly be in the moment...not drifting off into outer space.
Gosh now I may need to go take another mini savasana.

always got my back.
from then 'til now.

be still,
C