the world and a world within.

it has been one of those weeks that I just can't seem to comprehend.
overwhelming, exhausting, draining... you all know the story.

recovering from an ED is an entire war of it's own... you all know the story.

not only are you trying to keep up with loads of schoolwork, maintain relationships (new and old), be a kind roommate, do your job as best you can, get the sleep you need, manage your anxiety and have a little fun amidst it all...

deep inside of you, there is another body fighting off a disease.
you wish you could just push it back down in there and say,
"not today, not today, I've got too much to do to deal with you."
but you know that, in pushing it further down, it will only scream louder and the battle will claim victory on your body and mind...once again.


no, I won't let you.


And with that defense,
comes a call for more strength, more than you will ever know.
Not only are you trying to just... live life normally.
You are learning to live life normally all over again.
You are functioning with the rest for society,
while you are re-learning how to function at all.
It's scary, and uncomfortable.
those who surround you could not possibly understand.
...
I don't remember who I was,
and so I'm starting over.
I think about that girl when I was thirteen and she seems like a Disney princess.
I think about that girl in the pit of anorexia and she seems like
a piece of dust in the wind.


She just blew away, her presence no one noticed,
her despair no one could see,
because she was just swept away,
a weightless body and vacant heart.

You know the story,
I know that all who have dealt with this, know this story all too well.


So I am writing this to relieve this battle from my chest tonight,
and to take a break from these midterm papers...
To somewhat just cry, because it's hard.
It's hard to have a
whole world living inside of you that is hidden from the "normal world"
and you have to live and fight and breathe
in both at the same time.

It's okay to let the world inside you cry,

and it's okay to let the outside shed some tears too,
sometimes... you just can't help it

when you have to study for midterms and also have to recover, every day.
I'm not sure which is more difficult at the moment...

But I do know the truth in this song I found on Monday.
One that has played on my iPod at least five times per day this week.
It is not on YouTube yet for me to share,
but the lyrics are enough.

I do know....

The Sun Will Rise

"I can see the wait there in your eyes

I can feel the thought in your sigh

Your knuckles are bruised from a losing fight

One way down a dead end street

Broken glass underneath your feet

You think the day won't break the sunless night

The sun will rise

The sun will rise

When you've lost your lights

The sun will rise

It'll be alright

It'll be alright

I've been in stuck in a storm before

Felt the wind raging at my door

Couldn't move, couldn't breathe, Couldn't find a way out

Somehow my clouds disappeared, 

Somehow I made it here

Maybe just so you could hear me say

The sun will rise

The sun will rise

When you've lost your lights

The sun will rise

It'll be alright

It'll be alright

Although you can't see it

So hard to believe it

Sometimes you just need a little faith (All you need is a little faith)

There's an answer to your prayer

And I swear that there'll come a day yeahh

The sun will rise

The sun will rise (The sun will rise)

It'll be alright"

-Kelly Clarkson

the sun will rise,

in both worlds.

it will rise,

C

make it possible.