what if time

 

dear morning, i don't know where to begin.

what happens when you take the time to address the day,

address yourself and your immediate emotions and intentions,

before beginning anything else.

minus brewing coffee.

today, I have begun an experiment of letters.

a new form of discovery and seeking

peace connection and clarity.

we will see what happens.

a little insight to what is on, in or around my mind

when I first begin the day.

the thoughts are as foreign to me

and they may be to you.

but this is an experiment.

and so be it...

if this is "alive", how much more extravagant is truly living?

let it heal

a wise instructor read the following poem in class

this weekend at the nyc yoga journal conference.

this needs no preface. just soak. i still am.

Let it Heal By Ruth Forman

Listen to the song and let is tell you how

be quiet be quiet be still

let the angels put their hands on where it hurts and

smooth be quiet be still

ask for prayers around you and bathe in song

be quiet be quiet be still

sit in children's laughter twice a day

be quiet be quiet be still

leave your thoughts for another time

wrap yourself in daylight

knit yourself a friend tighter than you imagined

let good people close to you

move away from those that suck from you

be safe be quiet be still

if you have no hands

write

if you have no feet

walk

if you have no voice 

sing

and a chorus will carry you

if you have no eyes

see 

if you have no arms

hug

be thankful be quiet be still

and the pouring come upon you like holy water

and the healing a new plant

break the ground

emerge clean and willing

sorry and thankful

new and quiet

rejoice

like children at kickball

wise like grandmother's on the stoop

ready to live

and whole

ready

and

whole.

wrap yourself in daylight,

C

the control of a mess & the mess of a control

I read this post this morning from Carrie.

words I found to be an echo of my rant to my therapist yesterday.

A much more eloquently written echo.

"It was like I found a volume knob for all of the noise in my brain and to turn down that chatter, I just had to turn down my eating and turn up my exercise. I knew that the eating disorder didn't help me cope, not really, but it was how I made a crazy, anxiety-provoking world kind of cohere. It gave my world organization." -ED Bites

so much control,

one more hour and maybe I'll have something. maybe.

so predictable,

carrot sticks = good mood, brownie sundae = you feel like shit, easy as pie.

so manageable,

no, sorry I can't go out for your birthday dinner I have…ehh, homework.

so "harmless",

oh come on, it's not drugs or alcohol.

so validated,

I'm being so healthy eating spinach, it iron! I feel just great!

so dependable,

I follow these rules, I shall feel like this all the time.

also known as… feel nothing.

Life is messy. And painful. The eating disorder, while painful in its own way, is neat. It has a type of "payoff." -ED Bites

for a quite lengthy period of time,
this is how I made sense.
this is how I functioned.
this is how I lived.
well, existed at least.

it was the same everyday, so much "the same" that I can now hardly
remember a single "good day"
yes, I can remember the times I was scared out-of-my-mind
I probably didn't even feel those moments at the time
but I now remember
and as I gain more and more of me
I feel more and more of
where I have been
what I have been through
and even scarier…
what I am leaving behind.
the control I am leaving behind.


there lies the question: who will I be without this?
what will I look like?
sound like?
talk like?
feel like?
dream like?
or even smell like?
the E.D. makes all those answers unimaginably clear.
it's like magic.
everyday, every hour, every minute.
it's the same. it's neat. it's not messy…messy, like life.


messes terrify me.
even recovery has its own pattern, if-you-will
though how you will feel, what emotions may come up the next hour,
and how you will react when "the sh*t hits the fan"
is far less predictable,
there is still:

Monday: Nutrition meeting

Tuesday: yoga

Wednesday: email follow-up food diary

Thursday: therapy

Friday: catch up on life, REST night

To-Do Every night: Journal: 

how food made you feel,

when you felt comfortable

and when you didn't.

During the day: notice when you are anxious

when you are happy, 

when you are feeling the best

and the worst.

everyday, every hour, every minute
it has been recovery.
my top priority.
it can be an excuse for being "tired"
(IT'S A HELL OF A LOT OF WORK!!!)
it can validate a whiny mood,
the process can provide structure
and the thoughts of controlling food are ironically similar
only this time, food = increased health.
DUH. we're learned this already.


but this week I've been wondering.
what comes next?
what will I do with this messy
wild, glorious world without
the E.D. and then… without the life of recovery?
It's like losing a job,
divorcing a husband,
moving locations,
going back to school late in life.
Who will I be now?
What kind of world am I jumping into?
When is it right to let go…
… to let go even of hiding behind recovery.

When I come out from behind the curtain
what will I look like?

sound like?

talk like?

feel like?

dream like?

or even smell like?

I hope I look like Beyonce, 

sound like Adele, 

talk like Ellen Degeneres, 

feel like a warrior, 

dream like Mother Teresa 

and smell like fresh ground coffee.

Just for kicks. 

I probably won't be any of these things.

because they are not me.

they are tangible, real-life examples for comparison.

but they are not me.

I know they are only an example of a maybe 

to give my mind and body peace of the unknown.

since I let go of the volume knob

since I threw the file folder out the window

since I took off my armor

since I decided to see

what a messy world of mistakes 

and sadness 

and imperfections looked like.

up close, without any protection or secret hideout.

but also since I let go,

I also get to see a world of
beauty

compassion

giggles

& miracles.

it's give and take.

give and take.

but seeing one miracle just

may be the thing that makes 

feeling,

eating the brownie sundae

instead of carrots for once,

chuckin' out the file folder,

and stepping out utterly vulnerable

completely worth it.

this week I hope you join me 

in fighting to let go of 

the control,

the control of a mess.

which turns into a mess of control.

this we have learned.

be encouraged.
this too shall pass,

C

the damn cookie diaries

there are so many things I could write about tonight.
but honestly, it would probably all come streaming out from
my hands in a jumbled disaster that I would not even be able
to put a title on, other than "shit my eating disorder says"
(let's hope no one ever makes an incredibly offensive parody on this one)

I've been wanting to write for days, but all I get is crazy little snid-bits of thoughts
that are literally now scribbled all over my planner,
my post-it note stash, grocery receipts, frequent buyer cards,
basically any form of paper I could get my hands on in the moment
when a thought hits.
Yes, I have an iPhone, but I don't believe in writing what truly matters
with your thumbs… you gotta put your whole hand into it sis-tah!
Anyway, one of them turned into a list entitled:
The (Infinite) Commandments of an Eating Disorder: Thou shalt not
That one got a little touchy though and is still in the
"let me sit here and think about this in a couple of days" phase, 
so you may get to munch on that in a few days.


Another longer spontaneous rant came as
the product of a cookie.
yes.
only in recovery world will one 
ever be compelled to journal about
a freakin cookie.
at what point does this become funny?
I'm leaving this as is: a stream of consciousness, if you will.
I only share this because I am sure that most of you
reading have been assigned to keep a "food journal" at some point
or another (or will do so in the near future)
that includes both a record of nutrition and… feelings. oh the F word.

I will warn anyone before reading this that this post does discuss

a simple "snack" (a cookie if you have not already guessed it!) and

a bit about the struggles of gaining weight. 

So please do not read any further if you think it

may be a trigger for you… I certainly do not intend to trigger anyone

by any means. Yet, I know that I had benefitted greatly from reading/hearing

raw, unedited thoughts of someone else who has struggled with

the battle before… and it made sense to me, it helped me make sense

of my own rants, it helped me know it was okay to rant, to get angry,

to write every SINGLE thing you felt and most of all it helped me realize

I was completely and utterly not alone.

...

~March 4, 2012~

After having lunch today it was like all of the "hunger" just disappeared. I knew this was reality and that it would come and go as any normal person expereinces but it just got really frustrating again, because I knew unlike any other "normal" person… I had to push through it, I still had to eat… I couldn't trust my body's hunger. This was my medicine.

It was difficult to dismiss the "oh you've really let yourself go now" thoughts that began to come : "Oh no wonder you're feeling full and a little gross right now... you've been sustaining for days... what did you expect after eating all that and cheering yourself on for doing so well?" I knew they were lies, I knew in my heart that I had done well, I had done my body a favor... but I also was reminded of the discomfort. The discomfort that will come with gaining weight. It sucks quite frankly. Absolutely sucks. Gaining weight doesn't fell good to anyone, no matter if you need to or not! It feels tight, cramped, uncontrollable, yet controllable at the same time… strange, indescribable, unpredictable… and completely against everything I have ever practiced or set out of achieve. Let's face it, never in your life have you picked up a magazine that says, "GAIN 10 LBS THIS SPRING! GET READY FOR BATHING SUIT SEASON! SHOW OFF THAT CAKE! WE'LL SHOW YOU HOW!" 

HA! No. 

And now I am sitting here waiting on a friend to get coffee knowing I will have to get a cookie or something to go with it because its right around "snack time". I want to want it. I do. But I don't want it right now... it feels forced, uncontrollable, uncomfortable, so. not. hungry... but I know I have to do it, because if I don't... I will feel guilty for giving in, I will have to write it down for my therapist to see, I will have thrown in the towel and said "YOU WIN TODAY" and I won't do that. I want to right now and it seems tempting… maybe just this once, you've earned a slack. No. I won't. 

I got the damn cookie and it was good. Yes, I was full and it took about every grain of strength I had to decide to do it, but I did. I pushed through it. Because it had already been a day of struggle I, of course thought about it for an hour… cookie, cookie, cookie, Mr. Cookie in your tummy. But it passed. Just like everything else has in the past. I feel okay at the moment... not great, I'll admit, but I'm here. 

I'm here fighting off the frustration (for the millionth time) of "why do I even have to do this, how did I get here… are you really writing about a freakin cookie right now?" And I transitioned into just being grateful. I have what I need to fight through this.... everything I need. I'm not great, but I'm okay. I ate the damn cookie and I won't go to bed feeling guilty tonight. I'd say it was damn good too... and big. Enormous, giant, with sugar on top...so what? I don't curse much, but I'm feeling particularly infuriated towards the E.D. tonight… oddly and uncharacteristically bitter, but I don't hate the feeling. Who else has to sit here and write their feelings about a damn cookie? This freakin sucks. 

And that's all I have to say about that. Humph. I will win.

next time I'm bringing him with me.

love and damn cookies,

C

(longing) to have won

this is the hardest thing I've ever tried to do.

the longest battle I will ever fight.

I want it to be over, to have won.

to not have days when I feel as though my organs are screaming at me,

to not second guess myself, to not second guess anything,

to not have have days of doubt

to not have moments when you question, "Can you really do this?"

Yesterday, I was seriously questioning whether I could 

do this on my own… whether I was really recovering

or just pretending, just thinking I was.

Have the challenges been enough, 


will they ever be enough for rescue?

Filled with doubt, conviction and frustration,

I began typing. And walked away.

~ ~ ~

Beginning again,

a new day. I sit down and realize,

yes. those doubts were real.

yes. you made some mistakes.

yes. you were struggling yesterday.

yes. maybe this week wasn't the best for growth.

yes. maybe you have some strong realizations.

yes. you were probably over thinking some things.

yes. you should have gained control over the negative thoughts before they became too strong.

yes. you had a weak moment, hour…. day.

maybe even week.

yes. this is a battle, a silent yet deafening battle.

but yes, guess what?

you have the ability to acknowledge all of this.

If you didn't have these doubts, realizations, epiphanies,

guilty moments, uncertain days,

hours of longing to just be… normal,

you would not be moving forward.

Acknowledging that you took a few steps back,

is better than plunging forward into numbness.

This isn't going to happen in a week, C.

This is reversing years of work, this is relearning 

how to live.

Let the longing spread like wildfire

to fuel the flame of a better week,

the light of hope,

the beacon of healing.

Do not let 

guilt govern your days,

or bad memories rule over your nights.

Go forth with the longing of victory.

Go forth with certainty to succeed.

Go forth and say, "This is a new week and I can choose to do better."

Go forth and bask in the victory of what you have already won.

Go forth and claim more light offered to you in the day.

Go forth and forget the doubt of yesterday.

Yes, you are longing,

aching, yearning, pining, hungering

to win the fight.

Yes. where there is a will,

there is a way.

there is a way.

there is a way.

I want it to be over, to have won.

go forth.

longing and able,

C

the choice

Do not have expectation,

take challenges as they come 

and allow yourself enough grace.

This is the day you have been given,

you can choose to give it up

and later remember nothing.

or you can choose to live 

and have meaning

and have life.

clearly, they chose to live.

just choose,

C

i can do this

It's killed me to not have written in a week. It's been hard to find time recently to really sit down and process my thoughts. As discussed in my previous post, I've been struggling between pushing my emotions aside and saving them for tomorrow or dealing with them right then and letting them distract me from my everyday life. I hate to let them consume me to the point where I cannot even leave my apartment.... thankfully, I have not let that happen yet, except for the days when I really do just need to rest.

How deep do I allow myself to dig when I have to function as usual the rest of the day? ... Gosh, now I understand why so many choose to escape for a couple of months to learn how to think clearly, eat normally and sift through the pain without any other distractions.

With that said, many of the "normal" everyday things keep me going. Even though there are days when I think I cannot function in both "worlds" today, I know that I could not bear to be isolated from the elements of life I grow to love more and more each day. Because so much of what (and who) is around me slowly walks me back to the life of a "normal" twenty-year (almost twenty-one, AH!) old.

Even when I feel like I cannot recover and live as any other college student would, I am reminded of the things in the universe that keep my heart beating and feet walking in a forward direction... even when it is uncomfortable.

waking up to the smell of coffee grounds and saying hello to my roommate

receiving positive feedback on a paper I labored over for hours

being invited out for dinner and a movie by a new friend

finding out three people at church live just around the block

skyping with old friends that have truly not forgotten

conquering tripod headstand in yoga on Sunday morning

waving to the laundryman on the street that none-other-than an Indian version of my grandpa

writing a paper I have absolutely NO interest in, but one that challenges my brain to think outside of herself 

passing by Free People on the way to school wishing I had all the shoes in the WORLD

getting a text from my boss that says, "You're a ROCKSTAR! THANK YOU!" (not even kidding)

sitting on my bed with my roommate laughing at 90s music videos

visiting a new part of Manhattan every week

eating ice cream at midnight and not even caring

waking up to a new morning with no regrets, it's a new day

yesterday was yesterday

all of this says, "I can do this."

Last week in therapy, after rambling on with thoughts, thoughts, thoughts, worries, revelations, questions, stresses, blessings, on-and-on-and-on for 45 minutes... my therapist looked at me and said, "well... you've had a full two weeks."

Well... okay, when I try to cram two weeks of regular emotions and recovery emotions into 45 minutes, I guess it does sounds like a lot. If it just sounds like a lot, you can only imagine how it feels. Sometimes at night it is overwhelming and then in the morning it is gone. While in class I can silent the voices (finally, a skill that was acquired slowly), and while in church I feel as though the all the angels are speaking into my soul at once. Sometimes I leave paralyzed, other times I am fighting back two years of tears, sometimes I leave not knowing where to put my foot to take my next step. If you sit me down with my thoughts for an hour and a half, play music in the background and have people praying for healing of all categories all around me...you wind up with a very emotional little girl.

Just when I think I can't handle all that I am dealing with on the inside,

all of this says, "I can do this."


I am strong enough to sift through these strongholds, because I built them with my own strength. I have within me the strength it takes to tear them down... ones that didn't even need to be built in the first place. I have the smile it takes to energize the day and the wisdom required to be successful in school. I have the armor necessary to equip me for battle and the courage it takes to say, "Okay, so that wasn't my best effort, but I will try again tomorrow."

all of this says, "I can do this."


all of this says, "I am doing this."

to begin this week,

you can do this,

C